now that i know you are gone,
and now that i know i can't have you,
or ever have you again,
its now i realise i still love you.
i can see your hands and your eyes and your lips and your heart, all orbiting around a new core. a core that is not me, in a new galaxy.
and sitting here with tears streaming down my face all i want is to message you. to put into practice all those words that we said, that we fought for, that we could still be friends and that we could still talk. but how can i talk to you about this? i know i cant. i would feel silly bursting in on your new happiness, telling you i have only now realised i made a mistake, that i would try harder. you are gone and there is no room left for me anymore. i was silly to think there ever would be, i suppose. i want so badly to be close to you again. i dont even know in what way. just to sit next to you would be enough.
i want to say come back to me but i know thats not fair. you have waited around long enough, i know. i dont expect you to even feel that way anymore. but what do you feel? what do you feel for me?
in your birthday email your words were like flowers, as they always are. they were soft and comforting. and i thought, he's still there. in a way, i thought you always would be. i thought we would always be able to look fondly on each other and smile, and know we had some happy days together. now those days are all i can think about. those days i blocked away so many months ago are all coming back. the simple things; the way you looked at me, the way we made each other laugh. the way you took my hand.
i was wrong, i suppose, to think i would always be memorable to you.
i dont really know you anymore. i dont know what you think or how you have changed since i last saw you. so maybe you are a different person, maybe the person i remember is not you. so i will remember that person, and i will love him. and i will wish he was mine. and the next time i see you, if you are still him, then i will wish i was with you. but i will smile silently and move on, just as you have done.
i used to tell you i didnt know what love means. i think i do now. and i hope you have found it, or will find it, with her. i wish the best and only the best for you.
take care, my friend. i love you.