I think because of the way I met you just made it so much more difficult to let go. It was like a fairytale, it was fun, it made my heart grow warm and I couldnt stop smiling.
Its funny how when you meet someone you first begin to imagine yourself with them in the faraway future; playing in the waves and laughing like beautiful lovers. Then reality starts to kick in and all you can imagine is the immediate future; the next time you'll bump into him or when he'll text you next. And for a while, its all a dream. Its perfect, its fun, and everything is just right.
But I noticed something wasnt quite how it should be, and I wish I'd listened to myself instead of naively trying to continue the story. Of course then, it got worse. And my feelings were so mixed up and I wanted so badly to see you; to hear from you; and at the same time all I wanted to do was wish it never happened in the first place, embarrassed at myself, run away from the present and stick you in the long forgotten past. But time never moves as you want it to. And still, I'm stuck here wishing the last twenty-four hours happened in fact twenty-four months ago. Now, all I can imagine is bumping into you and telling you, with a smile, to stick it, that I'm not stupid, that I dont even care. And you realising that its so crystal clear that I am over you, that I dont care, that you never really had me on your string in the first place. If only, if only.
I got up this morning. I got dressed. I had some coffee and listened to john mayer. I felt so much better. I know you're not 'the one', I always knew that, it would be ridiculous to even think it. I did feel frustrated with why we waste so much time and energy, and happiness, even, trying to find love when it never works, and we never learn. But then I realised. Thats what we do. What we all do. And one day, It'll pay off. I know that. So I'll get back up. I'll keep trying. And I know this will happen again. I even said that last time. That I was prepared, that it wouldnt actually hurt that much, or for that long, because my head was stronger that my heart. But thats never the way.
I know it will be a while before I stop thinking about you. But Im okay with that, because as funny as it sounds, ive separated myself from you already.
Its a little hearbreak, but thats how life goes.
And I'm okay with that.